You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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