explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
