then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
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she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
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seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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