don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
