everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
