I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
