Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
