the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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