C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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