And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
