theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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