Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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