i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
