I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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