he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We left the knife in your bed.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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