I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
