I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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