how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
