Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
