you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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