dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
