in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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