Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
