I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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