you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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