you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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