Umm I'm too high to move.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
