I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
