i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
