I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize