just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
