We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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