i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
