Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
