Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
