Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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