you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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