chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
