I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
