he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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