You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
