If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Watching her eat just hurts me
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Drunk is not a location!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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