Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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