my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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