i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Let's get the cat blown out
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
