Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
