what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
