I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
