the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
