The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
