she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
