I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
