god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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