brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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