Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
