I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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