oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
