I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize