There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i will never coherently bang her
this just has baby written all over it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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