Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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