the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
