I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
