That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
