dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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