I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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